How Presence, Not Pressure, Transforms Trauma Work

This blog will unpack the concept of Self energy in IFS and its transformative role in trauma therapy. It positions Self energy not as a soft skill, but as a clinical asset especially when integrated into EMDR. The idea is to speak from experience about how therapists access more clarity, reduce reprocessing blocks, and build trust with clients when they lead with presence, not perfection.

I remember the first time I realized a young part of me was taking the lead in a therapy session. There I was, newly transitioned into private practice and providing family therapy to a child client and their father. There was something about this particular parent/child combination that uniquely touched on my own complex, childhood trauma. While waiting for the session to start, I started to panic. My heart was pounding, my mouth was dry, my palms were sweaty- my sympathetic nervous system was activated. I tried to take a few grounding breaths, and drank some water, but still felt the anxiety as the father/child came into the room. I managed to get through the session fine enough, then I got curious about where all this anxiety in me was coming from.

I used what I was learning from my IFS reading, and checked inside. I discovered a five year old part of me was attempting to lead the family therapy session and she was terrified and did not want to do it again! The moment I saw and felt her, I instantly softened and assured her that her feelings made sense and she was not responsible for fixing this family. I updated her on my life- how old I am, my expertise as a therapist, that I am safe now, and she is no longer alone because she has me to care for her.

Often the most powerful shifts in therapy- for the therapist or the client- don’t come from technique, but from presence. In IFS, this presence is known as Self energy- and it’s a clinical asset we don’t talk about enough.

What Is Self Energy—Really?

Self energy is a compassionate inner witness, a boundaryless state of mind, an intuitive knowing, both a noun and a verb, an unconditional love, a secure inner attachment figure, a collective energy that we all have access to. It is one of those concepts that the more you try to describe and pin it down with words, the more it loses its meaning. Richard Schwartz, the creator of IFS Therapy, describes Self as the 8 Cs: Compassion, Courage, Clarity, Connection, Creativity, Curiosity, Calm, Confidence. You can think of these states as a way into accessing Self energy.

In IFS communities, learning spaces, and content there can sometimes be this message that "Self" energy is more important or better than "parts" energy. There is an emphasis on building access to Self energy and extending Self energy to parts, so that our parts can heal. Self energy is believed to be the mechanism that allows the healing process to happen. While this is accurate to the theory of IFS, it can be misleading.

Parts energy is just as important as Self energy. We need both equally. You can think of parts energy as a state of doing and Self energy as a state of being. All of us have parts’ energy and Self energy at all times, it is just a matter of how much access to Self energy we have at any given moment. IFS is not about getting rid of parts’ energy, or Self energy being superior to parts, it is about unconditionally welcoming and getting to know all of our parts. Through that relationship building between our Self and parts, we become more connected to who we are, and that in and of itself is healing. In fact, the best way to build access to Self energy is to be with parts. Self energy is more than just a vibe—it’s a state that has measurable effects on therapeutic outcomes.

Why It Matters in EMDR

EMDR therapy is no walk in the park. It is a big ask for humans to choose to revisit their most painful experiences from the past and move through the pain of that again. We are all hard wired to avoid pain and discomfort, and are craving a sense of harmony and contentment. EMDR therapy asks us to lean into the pain so that we can ultimately move through it and heal. Naturally, protective parts of us are going to have some concerns about this.

Connecting to Self energy in EMDR allows us to trust the process, to know that we are safe now, to be able to sit with two opposing realities at the same time, to be curious, and to notice without judgment. IFS provides EMDR therapists a framework to work with protective parts as they arise in any of the 8 phases. Due to the intense nature of EMDR, protective parts will show up at some point. When therapists can turn toward their clients’ protective parts with genuine interest and unconditional welcome, this helps those protectors to feel seen and safe and for the client to be able to access more of their own Self energy.

The most common fear protective parts have in EMDR is the fear of overwhelm. When EMDR therapists can get curious, lean in, and understand the role and concern of that protector they realize that they actually have the same goal. We do not want our clients to get overwhelmed and flooded in EMDR- that would not be safe trauma reprocessing. Therapists can collaborate with those protectors and come to an intentional agreement to help clients to not get overwhelmed. These protectors are very good at keeping us safe, and can be EMDR therapists’ biggest allies!

Self energy helps EMDR therapists to also trust the process and to be better able to hold space for activating material that comes up during reprocessing. EMDR therapists are humans too, and we are drawn to this work usually from our own lived experience of trauma. EMDR therapists have to learn ways to keep ourselves regulated as we have our own parts resonating with our clients’ experiences. Being with and aware of my own parts, sending them love and reassurance that they are safe now, is one of the most effective strategies I have learned to be able to sustainably hold space for my clients’ adverse experiences.

A Real Moment

One of the biggest lessons I’ve learned as an EMDR therapist is to trust that my client can effectively move through the pain and not get stuck in it. Therapists do not want to make their clients feel worse, and EMDR can often take people to the depths of despair- that can be quite uncomfortable in the therapist’s seat.

I was working with a client on reprocessing a relational trauma, and during the reprocessing phases, the visuals and emotions kept getting darker and darker. He reported feeling deep sadness, despair, loneliness, and visuals of being lost at sea with no direction, lights, or anchor. Parts of me were panicking on the inside! Saying things like, “oh no, what if he gets stuck here and you can’t help him out?!”, and “you must not be very good at this since he is not feeling better,” and “quick, run away!”

Luckily, I had discovered IFS at that point and had a ritual of being with and reassuring my parts. Instead of actually panicking, I put my hand on my heart, took a deep breath, felt my feet on the ground, and reassured my parts that they were safe and not responsible for what happens in this session. I reminded my therapist parts to trust the process and to stay curious. I remembered my favorite interweave and offered my client, “Who or what do you need right now?” He did another set with that in mind, and to my amazement, he said, “A whale showed up and pointed me in the direction of the shore. I see lights in the distance, and I am not alone anymore.”

How to Know You’re in Self (or Not)

Rather than asking if you are “in or out of Self,” think of it as having access to Self at any given moment. We ebb and flow from parts energy to Self energy all of the time. It is not an “in or out” or “this or that” concept, it is fluid and dynamic. Remember that parts often have opinions, strong feelings, agendas, and are typically action oriented. Whereas, Self energy is a state of being, spaciousness, groundedness, and presence.

The first step in assessing your own Self energy is by becoming good at being a parts detector. Parts communicate with us in many different ways and we can tune our “ear” to notice their presence. This can be different from person to person and part to part and moment to moment. Some common ways parts show up is through our thoughts, emotions, body sensations, visuals, symbols, dreams, colors, or a felt sense.

Once you get good at noticing your parts, then ask yourself, “How do I feel toward this part right now?” If you notice having an open heart, a genuine interest to get to know or learn more, or an unconditional welcoming toward a part- that is Self energy. Even a little drop of Self energy goes a long way. If you notice you are feeling frustrated or annoyed by the part, then that is another part of you showing up. That is okay! If there is another part showing up, turn toward them until you start to feel that genuine openness.

Practice Tips for Cultivating Self Energy

One of the most profound lessons I learned from one of my IFS teachers is, “the best way to build access to Self energy is to be with parts.” It seems counterintuitive at first, but when you arrive at a place of genuine interest in your parts and you want to spend time with them, Self energy emerges.

Crystal’s top 5 Ways of Enhancing Self energy are:

Spend time with your parts.
Learn what it feels like to have a regulated nervous system.
Connect with feelings of “awe.”
Notice which of the 8 C’s feel most natural to you.
Notice the simplicity of animals and young children.

Know that cultivating Self energy is something that you grow over time. It is a life long commitment of getting to know yourself again and again, not about mastery.

Closing: Presence Over Perfection

It’s not your mastery of protocol, but your access to Self energy that creates safety and possibility for you and your clients. I wonder what parts of you show up when a session feels stuck? Or what parts of you led you on the journey to become a therapist in the first place? Take this as an opportunity to check in with and get to know your own parts. If you find yourself called to the ever evolving journey of knowing oneself, check out our offerings below and see what resonates.